WHAT?! I replied in an unedited response. He caught me so off guard that I had no time to fake my reply like I usually can for some odd idea he comes up with. He said he wants to have a baby when he gets home...........mouths dropping open and the clear sound of thuds can be heard throughout the room. This was not part of the plan. This was discussed far in advance of us getting married. This after I've been working my butt off to lose weight. Down 32 lbs and in the gym 3 times a day and he wants to come home and make me fat again??????
Sigh, and the emmy goes to........ME!!!! I actually recovered quite quickly and said that I would be open to discuss it when he comes home and we'll decide from there whether we can or want to do that. I'll pause now for your applause and amazement. I am hoping it's just a legacy thing that comes up when someone faces mortality. Don't get me wrong, I know he would be an amazing father and I don't want to take that right away from him, but I already have screwed up 2 kids and I don't really want to mess up another one!
Then he comes out with one of the most amazing things I have ever heard him say and honestly the first time I have had a glimpse into his heart since he's been gone and I felt guilty. Guilty because I'm selfish, guilty because I just feel so empty inside that I'm honestly scaired of him coming home on leave because I'm afraid he's gonna think I hate him because I'm so used to being in off mode. Guilty because I'm still angry about how our relationship has been during this deployment.
Every conversation brings something new to ponder.....but nothing this heavy so far.