Why? Two more families changed forever. Another phone call with the news no one wants to hear. It doesn't matter if I know them personally or not, it's still a loss that I feel deep within myself. Thankful that it isn't my family and yet guilty that I would think that. I've heard that that kind of thing is normal, but it still doesn't make me feel like a great human being.
My dad said that he was wondering how much longer it would be before I finally accepted this reality. He said he knew I wasn't allowing myself to feel anything about this year and he's said he's almost glad that I am finally not hiding. But I'm not. It's easier to pretend all this isn't real and it doesn't affect you. It's easier to not worry. It's easier to find something stupid to be angry about because then you aren't feeling the fear and loneliness. I liked my oblivion.