It's funny how there's an invisible switch inside of you that can suddenly change your feelings and outlook in a matter of moments. I was at such a low point with this deployment that I wasn't sure I would ever find my way out, let alone how our relationship would survive. The problem was that he didn't even know how I was feeling. He really had no idea that I was in such a hole emotionally when it came to us. I suppose someday, when we are on the other side of this I will tell him where to find my blog, but for now, I don't want him to know.
I think the hardest part has been feeling so alone and yet not knowing how to ask for help or to communicate that and then getting angry because people didn't instinctively know that I felt like I was dead inside, especially him. I felt like my role was only to do and to put all that I had into a relationship that I felt nothing out of anymore. What ended up happening was that I was empty and had nothing more to give.
Fortunately, things are better. One email with a couple lines from him and I felt like it was all going to be ok again. We still have a long time to go and I'm truly hoping it will be, but I have to say that I love him, but I am hating this part of my life. I've been so involved with everyone else and what they need from me that my graduation is less than 2 weeks away and I realized I haven't ordered my cap and gown or gotten the invitations. Everyone else has what they need though.
But I have begun a journey just for me and I'm not going to fail myself anymore. I have struggled with my weight for most of my life. I was actually thin for a few years after high school but then I got pregnant and that was the end of that and I have dieted and taken pills and bought exercise equipment in such quantities that I probably could open my own gym. Even in the 3 years we've been together he has stood by me during my new latest and greatest and always told me it doesn't matter to him he will always love me no matter what. The sad truth is that I have never fully believed him. Because I think that I don't love me this way. He's only known me this way and I want to surprise him when he gets home. But really, I'm just sick of giving all of myself to everyone else and yet letting myself fail me each time.
So, week 1 on this diet with healthy food I would have never tried before and a great walking partner I am down 10lbs!!! I will never conquer anything if I can't even conquer myself and today is the day.